I stayed in this weekend for two reasons. First, my financial situation sort of sucks after getting new tires and brake pads for my car. Second, I didn’t feel like going anywhere alone but I didn’t want to impose on anyone, either.

Let’s talk about my car first. I took Friday off so I made an appointment for an oil change. An oil change turned into a routine maintenance thingy which turned into needing new tires and brake pads. I knew something was up with my tires — turns out one of them had a nail in it and I was planning on getting new ones before winter anyway. My car felt so much better when I drove it home. I’m almost scared to drive my car now, which I realize is kind of insane.

As far as this weekend went, I got up early to say bon voyage to my brother as he left for vacation. I got back home from the airport before 6am and decided to go for a run. Best two minute run ever!! I don’t lack energy but I do lack… stamina? Endurance? Anyway, I can only run for a few minutes at a time. I ended up doing a pattern of running for two minutes followed by walking for two (or three or five) minutes for about a half hour. Running is so not something my body seems built to do, though I suppose expecting to be able to go from the couch to running for a half hour is unrealistic. Somehow, I’m motivated to keep trying.

Going for a “run” reminded me that I need to chop off my hair. It’s long and I love it long but it’s so heavy that it won’t stay up in a ponytail for very long before it dro0ps down. I’m being kind of picky about who will cut my hair. I need sound advice from a professional about what to do with my it: long layers? shoulder length? bangs? bob? pixie cut? Kidding about that last one, but I am willing to lop off half the length. I don’t mind having short hair. I just want it to look nice.

I finished reading The Unnamed and my prediction was correct: it broke my heart. It’s a wonderful novel, modern and moving, and there are passages that are written so beautifully that I had to re-read them out loud. Yeah, I’m weird. I’ve made this conscious effort to make time to read magazines and books while cutting down on my online time. Basically, I have been staying up and reading until I can’t keep my eyes open anymore.

I feel like I’m in an in-between stage. I took some risks and they paid off — not in the way I had hoped they would, but I’m still happy and have no regrets. There’s this thing that happens when I’ve made a decision move on —  not give up, but move on. I’m inconsolable in a way; I can only take care of myself and I pretty much alienate myself. It isn’t fair and it feels awful. But, I’m always kind of alone. I debated going out yesterday, either to visit art museums or see a movie or just go for a drive. I pictured myself doing these things alone and I had to laugh a little. I don’t think anyone who knew me growing up would have guessed that I would be so on my own as an adult. Being on my own is something I don’t really like. I’m extremely proud of myself for not having to depend on someone else, but it hurts a little to know that I’m used to going to the movies on my own, or figuring out how to get to a destination with no one to navigate, or riding the CTA late at night.

Keep trying. Keep putting myself out there. Leave the house. Meet people and laugh with people and be myself. Be kind and genuine. Never give up. Seize opportunities to be a smarter and more interesting person which can only lead to meeting smart interesting people. I’ll get what I want eventually, right?