Category Archives: Personal

Currently. Sort of.

Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away. THANKSGIVING. IS LESS THAN. TWO WEEKS. AWAY. I don’t know about y’all, but I can’t believe it. Time moves so quickly. This is part of why I try to blog regularly. I think time has moved too quickly for anything significant to have happened, but stuff — significant stuff worth mentioning– has happened in a short amount of time. But, first, allow me to mention some recent happenings.

I watched Metamorphoses at the Lookingglass and it was brilliant. It’s been years since I’ve watched live theatre and I’m lucky to have gotten the chance to see this show. I wanted to see it when it was originally at the Lookingglass. The whole night, especially the company I spent it with, was brilliant. I experienced the ever popular “will I get there on time despite Friday evening rush hour traffic” adrenaline rush, walked around the city in absolutely perfect weather, tried out a vegan restaurant, and had a damn good time with a new-old friend. Thanks for a fun night, Chris! More importantly, thanks for being a damn good person.

In terms of work, I started a new job. It’s not that different from my old job. Same company, same department, same boss, different role. It’s a promotion (yay!) and it will be challenging (boooo!) but I’m going to be so much smarter and better because of it (yay!).

I’m trying to do NaNoWriMo this year. My story is largely inspired by my own life over the past year, the city of Chicago, and the stray cat in my parents’ neighborhood. I swear that cat is stalking me.

The significant stuff that I mentioned at the beginning of this post are largely the result of something that occurred around the time that I wrote this post and this post. Long story short, I took a risk. Things didn’t exactly turn out the way I hoped they would turn out, but they still exceeded my expectations.

  • I made a new friend who filled a friendship void that I didn’t realize I had. The whole situation drives me crazy sometimes, but putting myself out there was definitely worth the risk. It taught me that being open and gracious and genuine is key in building healthy relationships. I’ve definitely grown from this experience and learned a lot about myself.
  • I’ve also learned a lot about the great friends that I already had. Who’s supportive, who’s brutally honest, who wants me to shut up, who is eternally optimistic, who thinks I’m nuts. I love you all!
  • I’ve started to network. I never thought I would be a networking person. I try to get to know people and I seek out advice from people whom I know I can learn from. It’s important! Confidence is key and there is no weakness at all in asking questions. After all, how can anyone learn if they don’t mingle with the experts? How will you know what you don’t know if you don’t hang out with people who are smarter than you are?
  • I’m in a bowling league. Ridiculous! I mean, I have my own friggin’ bowling shoes. It’s weird. It’s also pretty fun and I know I’m getting better at it.
  • I’m reading more, trying to keep things fresh in terms of the TV and music that I consume, and am unplugging from the Internet.

I feel the need to reflect on these things because I feel another shift coming. I’m preparing myself to take another risk. I don’t want to speculate because things never turn out the way I imagine they could (is anyone ever really able to correctly guess what’s going to happen in the future?), but I’m expecting that it will be an educational experience. Wish me luck!

Okay, Universe. I get it.

There was a full moon this week. I truly believe that the moon has an impact on our bodies and minds in the same way that it affects the tide. It’s been a weird week for me. I’ve been clutzy, bitchy, tired, extremely quiet, extremely talkative… just off-balance.

I’m not the only one who has been off-balance. Hurricane Sandy devastated our country. It was eerie to be on the Internet as it all unfolded. I saw posts from friends about their preparation and anticipation, some of them joking (hello, photoshopped storm photos), many of them serious (“Get inside as soon as you can!”), but none of them had a fearful or worrisome tone to them — at least, none that I can remember. Then, the storm hit and my friends in NYC just kind of… disappeared. Those in other areas that were hit by the storm were able to update the world on the status of their electricity, potential or actual damage to their homes, or what they were doing to keep busy as they waited out the storm.

After natural disasters like this or any personal loss, I’m reminded that life is short. I need to be grateful for what I have, not worry so much about having the perfect pair of shoes, how I’m going to survive financially, or if I finished that thing that I was supposed to finish at work. I need to tell people I love them. I have to stop stalling and go after what I want instead of just daydreaming about it.

It isn’t just the hurricane that’s re-taught me this lesson. I’ve been bombarded by messages this whole week, starting with last Saturday when I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I adored the book and couldn’t wait to see the movie, especially because it was adapted and directed by the author, Stephen Chbosky. I walked out of the movie theater with a lot of thoughts and feelings, like I shouldn’t be afraid to be who I am, I shouldn’t be afraid to tell people I love them, I need to allow people to love me and I shouldn’t settle for anyone who doesn’t treat me well.

Being honest and open about my feelings may be super awkward and may not always end well, but it can be truly good to let those feelings out, whatever they may be. I was reminded about this in a quirky way when watching the latest episode of Homeland. Yes, crazy Carrie said it to crazy Brody in a kind of manipulative attempt to get him to ‘fess up, but it was a moment that I won’t forget from the series.

Try not to judge me too harshly, but One Tree Hill is another TV show that reminded me pretty bluntly to be grateful and tell people I love them. I finally finished watching the series which means that I have officially watched every single episode of One Tree Hill. Whoa.

Don’t worry: I actually took time to read recently and finished Downtown Owl by Chuck Klosterman over the weekend. I’ve had this book in my library for awhile but didn’t have the motivation to read it until I heard that Adam Scott wants to produce a film version of it. It’s an easy read and interesting enough. I don’t want to spoil it in case you plan to read it (or watch the movie) but I came away from it with the reminder that life is short — too short to play games and wonder all the time — and that life isn’t over until we’re dead, no matter how old we are, so we have to try and make the best of every day and interact with people.

I received more messages today, but they were reminders that I needed to hear after a bizarre week. I think I heard these on morning radio, which I typically don’t like listening to. The first was to smile. The actual message sarcastic, something along the lines of ‘smile right when you wake up every morning… get it overwith,’ but I think you would all agree that waking up cranky is the worst. But we have that moment to decide that we are going to have a good day. The other message is simple: be confident and give yourself props for being you. It’s so simple. Impressing other people with your awesomeness starts from within.

So, there you have it! I’m going to make an effort to blog more frequently, particularly since this is National Blog Writing Month and NaNoWriMo. If there’s anything you want me to write about or if you have any questions, let me know by leaving a comment!

Currently (or This Too Shall Pass)

Allow me to rant for a paragraph or two. There’s construction going on around my parents’ house and it is RUINING MY LIFE. The worst part is that I have my own place. Why do I stay with my parents?! I have my own place where I don’t have to deal with construction and I don’t have to worry about the water being turned off and I can WALK AROUND NAKED IF I WANT. Oh, Lisa. I’m so disappointed in you.

Second rant: I can’t wait until this election is over. I know who I’m voting for but I’m honestly scared about the outcome either way. Politics has never been something that I like to talk about. I like listening to people who are educated and passionate, and I read and do what I can to educate myself as much as possible. But I get so frustrated when someone with no fucking clue starts talking politics, or when you think you’re having a friendly exchange about politics with a rational human being and then they say that the President is the spawn of Satan and you realize that they are totally serious and you kind of wish you didn’t know them anymore.

Okay. The construction should be over in a month. The election, well, I’ll be living in this country indefinitely so I care deeply, but elections are so damn ugly. Are they not? It’ll be done by Thanksgiving, which isn’t that far away, y’all.

Now, I like saying “y’all” even though I’m a Chicago girl through and through. I’ve been using it a LOT recently, probably because I’m reading “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” by Jenny Lawson aka The Bloggess. I’m reading it on my brand new gently used Kindle Fire! I’m not totally against ebooks, but I still prefer the real thing. I like turning pages, I like bookmarks, I like being able to measure how “thick” chapters are, and I especially like that I can hand a book to a friend that I know will enjoy it after I’m done reading it.

I finally started watching Girls and can someone tell me what goat Lena Dunham sacrificed in order to have her career? I simultaneously want to hug her and high five her and punch her in the face. I can’t decide if I think she’s brilliant or just really, really lucky. (It’s probably both.) I like the show. I understand all the backlash and shit, and there are plenty of reasonable people I personally know who wouldn’t find it entertaining in the least. I just find it refreshing that I can enjoy it and can relate to it (to an extent) without getting emotionally involved (which is what is sort of happening with Parenthood, another show I’m currently marathoning). Anyway. Lena Dunham, fuck you and your brilliance and maybe we can hang out sometime? Please?

I can’t believe it’s September already. Summer went by way too quickly and I already know that fall and winter are going to fly by. I do have a feeling that I’ll have a lot of funny and/or excruciating tales to share with y’all. Be productive, creative, set goals, make plans, be spontaneous –cue inspirational music– every moment is a gift. Time will pass quickly regardless of how you spend it. So have fun and get shit done and live life and start dating so that you don’t have to buy a cat and you probably don’t have to buy a cat because the neighborhood stray already thinks that you’re her mommy and well that’s another blog post for another day.

I’d like to thank the Academy…

I am a fan of acceptance speeches at awards ceremonies. I would hope that anyone who gets nominated for an award is honored not only by the recognition of their talent or accomplishment, but also honored to have a potential opportunity to publicly declare their gratitude to those who helped them. I was raised to be very mindful of the people who help me and to show them that I am grateful. I try my best to do that. I’m pretty mindful of how the people around me lift me up and make me a better person just by being who they are. But it would be kinda weird to give someone a thank you card that says “Thanks for laughing at the awful joke I made yesterday.” And so, here are some Thank Yous that I would like to throw out there, addressed to anonymous recipients and all from the bottom of my little Asian lady heart.

Thank you for letting me vent about obnoxious things and never judging me for it. Along those same lines, thank you for being comfortable enough with me and finding me trustworthy enough to vent to.

Thank you for treating me like a member of your family. I value your friendship so much. Our friendship is a great example of how you should be kind and genuine to everyone because sometimes the last person you think you would click with may turn out to be one of your best friends.

Thank you for telling me when my hair needs to be fixed, when I have something in my nose, when there’s dirt on my pants, or when my eyeliner or mascara is smudged.

Thank you for always smiling when you see me. (This one goes out to a lot people, friends and strangers alike.)

Thank you for stopping me when I’m about to eat something non-vegan.

Thank you for motivating me to be smarter and more interesting. You do this simply by being smart and interesting.

Thank you for apologizing for your jackassery.

Thank you for your silly laugh. I love hearing it when we’re together and it makes me smile when I hear it from afar.

Thank you for telling me when I’m being a grouchy monster bitch face.

Thank you for wanting to get to know me. It’s not only flattering and surprising, it’s turned into an opportunity to make a new friend and learn from you.

Thank you for reading this blog.

Do I get an A for effort?

I stayed in this weekend for two reasons. First, my financial situation sort of sucks after getting new tires and brake pads for my car. Second, I didn’t feel like going anywhere alone but I didn’t want to impose on anyone, either.

Let’s talk about my car first. I took Friday off so I made an appointment for an oil change. An oil change turned into a routine maintenance thingy which turned into needing new tires and brake pads. I knew something was up with my tires — turns out one of them had a nail in it and I was planning on getting new ones before winter anyway. My car felt so much better when I drove it home. I’m almost scared to drive my car now, which I realize is kind of insane.

As far as this weekend went, I got up early to say bon voyage to my brother as he left for vacation. I got back home from the airport before 6am and decided to go for a run. Best two minute run ever!! I don’t lack energy but I do lack… stamina? Endurance? Anyway, I can only run for a few minutes at a time. I ended up doing a pattern of running for two minutes followed by walking for two (or three or five) minutes for about a half hour. Running is so not something my body seems built to do, though I suppose expecting to be able to go from the couch to running for a half hour is unrealistic. Somehow, I’m motivated to keep trying.

Going for a “run” reminded me that I need to chop off my hair. It’s long and I love it long but it’s so heavy that it won’t stay up in a ponytail for very long before it dro0ps down. I’m being kind of picky about who will cut my hair. I need sound advice from a professional about what to do with my it: long layers? shoulder length? bangs? bob? pixie cut? Kidding about that last one, but I am willing to lop off half the length. I don’t mind having short hair. I just want it to look nice.

I finished reading The Unnamed and my prediction was correct: it broke my heart. It’s a wonderful novel, modern and moving, and there are passages that are written so beautifully that I had to re-read them out loud. Yeah, I’m weird. I’ve made this conscious effort to make time to read magazines and books while cutting down on my online time. Basically, I have been staying up and reading until I can’t keep my eyes open anymore.

I feel like I’m in an in-between stage. I took some risks and they paid off — not in the way I had hoped they would, but I’m still happy and have no regrets. There’s this thing that happens when I’ve made a decision move on —  not give up, but move on. I’m inconsolable in a way; I can only take care of myself and I pretty much alienate myself. It isn’t fair and it feels awful. But, I’m always kind of alone. I debated going out yesterday, either to visit art museums or see a movie or just go for a drive. I pictured myself doing these things alone and I had to laugh a little. I don’t think anyone who knew me growing up would have guessed that I would be so on my own as an adult. Being on my own is something I don’t really like. I’m extremely proud of myself for not having to depend on someone else, but it hurts a little to know that I’m used to going to the movies on my own, or figuring out how to get to a destination with no one to navigate, or riding the CTA late at night.

Keep trying. Keep putting myself out there. Leave the house. Meet people and laugh with people and be myself. Be kind and genuine. Never give up. Seize opportunities to be a smarter and more interesting person which can only lead to meeting smart interesting people. I’ll get what I want eventually, right?

Currently

I gave myself a little treat yesterday and went to the movies. I keep talking about wanting to watch Step Up Revolution, but I decided that my $10.50 would be better spent on Beasts of the Southern Wild. I don’t remember where I first read about this movie, but once it got hyped up at Cannes, I couldn’t get away from the news blurbs (particularly since it’s loved by Vulture). It was a touching film, wonderfully visual and in your face in the best kind of way. Quvenzhané Wallis is a revelation, beautiful and fearless, and I hate that I looked her up on IMDB because I want to continue believe that she is Hushpuppy. As for Dwight Henry, who plays Hushpuppy’s father Wink, I kept trying to remember the fun fact I had read about him because the character he plays (and plays amazingly well) is so raw and I knew he was a nice guy in real life. Turns out that he ran a bakery and would bring donuts to set.

During the first half of the movie, I was wishing that I had dragged someone to the movies with me. By the end of the film, I was glad I was by myself (and definitely happy that I wasn’t on a date) because I had turned into a blubbering sad/happy mess. The film won’t appeal to everyone, but if you have an open mind, an open heart, and appreciate visual storytelling, you will enjoy the film. Um, bring tissues. Grown men were wiping tears off their cheeks in the movie theater.

I’m currently in Milwaukee taking a mini-vacation. We got here today, hit up a farmers market, walked around and ate dinner at a nearby mall, and then drove around looking for Lake Michigan, which isn’t far from our hotel. We drove for awhile, wondering if we were even going in the right direction, when we stumbled upon Klode Park. It’s a public area, nestled among some nifty real estate, with a really serene view of the lake. It was nice to be there right before sunset. I’ll post more trip photos once I’m able to transfer everything from my digital camera, but here’s a preview pic taken with my phone:

Music-wise, I finally heard The Royal Concept, had my “Wait, that’s not Phoenix?” moment, and ended up downloading their EP. Did I mention that I’ve been listening to Ice-T a lot lately? He somehow makes work more manageable, just as he made doing homework more manageable when I was in high school. Hmm, what else… I’m liking the latest Passion Pit and am eagerly awaiting the latest from Bloc Party. Finally, I downloaded Aesop Rock  and was listening to him with my older niece while we road tripped to Milwaukee. Then, both the nieces and I had a mini Aesop Rock dance party in the hotel room. It was pure fun.

Music-related: Tammi got me a Lollapalooza t-shirt for my birthday in addition to some kickass vegan chocolate bars that I can’t wait to try. Thanks, lady! Now I can pretend that I attended the festival. I absolutely do not regret not going, especially since they had to evacuate and all, though there are several artists I would have loved to see. After experiencing Pitchfork, though, Lollapalooza seems so damn huge, uncomfortably crowded, and overall way too much to handle.

In other birthday news, I must thank MK for taking me out for a drink to celebrate. Not only did I have a fun night with a good friend, I learned yet again that even a little gin makes me talk very openly about anything and everything. Or, maybe it’s just because Monika is super cool. Either way, gin for me totally equals veritaserum. It would behoove me to remember that lest I partake while in the company of people who really don’t need to know my secrets.

That’s all for now! I’m going to try and enjoy the next couple of days. Work will be insane when I get back from Milwaukee, and I want to relax while I can.

32.

There’s so much pressure to have a fun and fantastic birthday. It’s just past 8:30pm on my 32nd birthday (yikes) and I’m in my pajamas and blogging. Do I wish I was partying it up somewhere? A little. But I’m content knowing that I’ve celebrated and heard from the people I love. I’m a lucky lady.

The celebration continues this weekend!

Currently

Hey. The title of the blog is i-cant-drive, so let’s talk driving for a minute. Driving complaints: bikes, scooters, trucks, slow drivers, fast drivers, honkers, buses, tire pressure light, oil change, need to get my car detailed. Oh, crap, need to go for an emissions test, too. Kids, if you’re reading this and are looking at the photo above, you will note that my hands are NOT at 10 and 2 on the wheel. Do not follow my example. Be a good driver. On another note, it’s obvious that one should not drive while under the influence. I wish I could hand the keys over to someone else when I’m having a bad day.

Are you watching the Olympics? I’m not. I like keeping up with the highlights and results, and I even like reading people’s live tweets. When talking to a co-worker about it today, I realized that one of the reasons I’m not watching is because it stresses me out. Don’t get me wrong — I’m seriously impressed with the athletes and their abilities. But the pressure they must be under! It brings me back to my music competition days when I was a serious stressball and had a serious stick up my ass. It’s honestly gut-wrenching. Hearing about Gabby Douglas’s mishap on the uneven bars made me feel so nervous. Hearing about it. Not watching it. I can’t bring myself to watch it.

MK and I are prepping for our next quarterly party at work. I can’t help but think about how much has changed in the three months since the last one. The last three months, six months, one year… I still feel like I’m a boring, lame girl, but my life keeps getting better instead of worse. That’s good, right? Anyway, this quarter we’re doing a summer theme thanks to MK’s awesome ideas, so I’ve been listening to The Beach Boys tonight while putting a playlist together.

In terms of TV, I’ve been marathoning Lost Girl. I didn’t know what to expect from this show, but I’m fricken entertained. It’s good-looking people in supernatural situations with some sexy times and swearing (if you’re watching the uncensored version anyway), humor that I dig, and a mystery that keeps me invested but doesn’t cause me to lose sleep. It’s not campy but it ain’t Battlestar Galactica, either.

I’m pausing my reading of Everything Happens at Night and started reading The Unnamed by Joshua Ferris. It’s an easy read, which is just what I need right now, but I have a feeling that it’s going to break my heart.

Birthday weekend is coming up! I’m not that excited. I mean, I don’t really have any plans which is totally boring and lame. I thought I would be out of town all weekend but it turns out I’ll only be gone Sunday and Monday. So if anyone wants to go to impromptu dinner, drinks, and a viewing of Step Up: Revolution (because COME ON, I want to see something mindless and happy and corny plus DANCING), let me know. We’ll have a time, as Rayanne Graff would say. If you get that reference, we can be friends forever.

An Rx for Rage

One of my many WTF expressions

It’s been a trying week. There’s something that happens to me when there’s a full moon and my lady hormones are out of control. I get irritable and short-tempered and have zero tolerance for stupid and/or annoying behavior. When you top that off with tasks that require me to actually use my brain, you end up with one extremely cranky and unfriendly Melissa. Hey, I think I’m allowed to be a complete bitch three days out of the month. I can’t be uber-nice all the time! Side note: I need a t-shirt that says: PMS IS REAL.

Tomorrow is Friday and I’m slowly getting over my rage. I at least have the satisfaction of knowing that I was productive this week and accomplished things despite my sour mood. Also, my cheerful moments are extra cheery and genuine during these times. I may have had wanted to punch people today, but I also wanted to hug strangers who made me laugh. In an attempt to further focus on positive thinking, allow me to reflect on a few things for which I am grateful.

August | I’m a bit shocked that it’s already August! It’s going to be a good month, though. My birthday is coming up and it’s also my sister’s birthday month, I’m going out of town at least once, I have lots of time off, and I’m hoping to enjoy the warm weather while it lasts. It’ll be my first birthday as a vegan. If you love me, you’ll buy me cake from The Chicago Diner. Which cake, you ask? Why, ALL the cakes, of course.

The French Press | I’m not exactly wealthy these days so I’ve tried to be good about making coffee to bring to work everyday. Thank goodness for the wonderful French press. So fast and easy and — I’ll say it — better than drip coffee. I just need to remember to be careful as I reach the end of my cup lest I choke on the sediment that made it in with the coffee while in a conference room with several people while facilitating a meeting. Did ya get that?

Siblings | I can complain all day about my family but I think I would fall into sudden depression if I wasn’t around them as often as I am. My sister is my BFF and my brother has been awesome by taking time to help me figure out travel stuff.

Jocie & Juju & Jason | How can I not love my sister’s children? They’re so cute! I would love them just as much if they were butt ugly (I think).

Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange | I finally got around to listening to Frank Ocean’s album today. Um, I may have gotten a bit hot and bothered at my cubicle while listening to it. Ahem. Thank you, Frank Ocean.

Smart, Perceptive, and Supportive Friends | I’m grateful for all of my friends, but there are a handful of people in my life who are just brilliant and thoughtful and honest — and they actually like me. I crave the company of genuine people who love me for me, encourage me to be better, and who appreciate my how insanely weird and introspective I am. If I seem a little desperate to be around you or communicate with you as much as possible, it’s because I think you’re smart and supercool and I want to absorb your knowledge and your coolness and your soul. Just kidding about your soul. Maybe. Anyway, I can only hope that I add as much value to my friends’ lives as they do to mine.

A Good Night’s Sleep | Yes, it’s been a trying week, but I’ve slept really well all week.

And with that, I shall bid you adieu!

Currently

I’m (slowly) reading Everything Happens at Night which is great but kind of requires that I keep a dictionary nearby. The good news is that I’m learning. The bad news is that I feel like a dummy and I have to re-read every chapter. I swear I was an honor student. Really. I’ll even show you my diploma where it says so.

I’ve learned to embrace Spotify. I used to be this person who HAD to buy entire albums even though I only liked one song and HAD to download music instead of stream it. I also used to be a power user of Rhapsody. Anyway, Spotify is kind of great and has been a savior during the workday. I would list some of the artists I’ve been listening to lately, but I’m not in the mood to be musically profiled right now. However, I will mention that my sister and I are going to see Matthew Sweet at the brand spankin’ new Chicago City Winery in September. I’m uber-excited. The first concert I went to was a Matthew Sweet show, my sister was a rabid fan of his back in the day (autographed t-shirts, HELLO), it’s his Girlfriend tour, and we are probably going to lose our shit.

TV shows: I really, really love Awkward but I’m two episodes behind right now! WTF. It’s such a great show and if you like it, it means we can be friends. If you don’t, we can still be friends because, let’s face it: I’m a nice person and I won’t judge you based on what TV shows you watch. I got access to HBO so I’m excited to finally watch Girls and… yeah… I’m gonna watch The Newsroom even though I already have a love/hate relationship with it. And of course, there’s True Blood. Guilty pleasure, people. I’ve been trying to catch up on Damages, but I just don’t care about last season’s storyline so it’s difficult.

I went out for happy hour with a couple ladies from work today. Um, we were definitely happy. Afterwards, I went to Ulta where I spent an obscene amount of money on vegan hair and nail products. I’m a little upset that I forgot to take a photo with the Justin Bieber cardboard cutout. Anyway, it’s really nice to decompress with great people who make me laugh.

I’m itching to travel again soon and I probably will, but I have anxiety about it. We’re talking overseas travel that will be pricey and possibly dicey but will probably also be a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Blarg. I don’t know what to do, you guys.

That’s all. Tomorrow’s payday and I get to spend it all on my mortgage. Yup. I still own a condo.