Make a list. Check it twice. Next to each name, put a maximum dollar amount and/or appropriate gift if you already have an idea of what to get that person. Example:

Dog – $3 – tennis ball

Need to get it all done in one day without thinking too much? Hellloooo…. Old Navy was invented for you. Note to family: most of you are getting pajama bottoms. Get gift receipts. Door busters are also good… for when you need new clothes and don’t want to pay full price for them. Oops, I’m talking about buying gifts for other people.

Keep gifts in car. Lose track of who you’ve already gotten a gift for. Thank God you bought those extras. Oh shit, so-and-so got you a gift and you don’t want to get them anything? Starbucks or Target gift card. Panic because it’s time to wrap gifts. Cut finger. Run out of tape. Run out of boxes. Dog sniffs gifts, but luckily you catch him before he chews or pees on anything.

Bake cookies. Eat cookies. Get sick from eating cookies. Get grease on gift wrap because you didn’t wipe your hands after eating cookies. Drink egg nog. Remember you don’t like egg nog that much. Take a break and watch Elf. Fall asleep.

Suddenly remember the AWESOME gift idea you had for your sibling. Too bad you already got him/her pajama bottoms. Suddenly remember that you told your parents you’d get them a new computer. Guess they’ll get the computer AND pajama bottoms.

Realize that you went gift shopping with Mom, all your stuff was paid for together. If she paid at one store, does that mean the gift is from her? Balls! Does that mean you still need to find a gift for that person?

Forget to get a gift receipt. Forget whom the gift you just wrapped is for. Run out of gift wrap.

Finally Christmas. People don’t like what you got them. You love some of your gifts. You didn’t get gift receipt for the others, or they were monogrammed or handmade so you can’t do anything about it. And Dad always wishes someone had just bought him new underwear instead of a cashmere sweater.

The End! Happy holiday shopping, everyone!