Tag Archives: Driving

How To Break Into Your Car

Dear Diary,

I am such a freakin’ bonehead. Monday morning, slept through my alarm, made it to work early somehow, and then proceeded to lock my car key (and purse and laptop) in my car. BALLS! I was surprisingly good-humored about the whole thing, though.

I started out by going into the building and asking people at work if anyone wanted to break into my car. Puh-leeze. I know some of y’all know how to break into a car, okay? No one would help me, though. So I had to call the police to help me with my non-emergency emergency.

I thought I would get laughed at. I thought I would be told that I would have to wait awhile because the community had more pressing needs. I wasn’t prepared for a professional, to-the-point phone conversation and a ten minute wait for someone to arrive.

The officer showed up and started breaking into car as soon as I signed a waiver. IT TOOK FOREVER. It is not easy to break into my car without damaging it, people. This is good to know. Also good to know is that my car alarm really does work (I had my doubts because it’s not uber-sensitive like other car alarms). I won’t go into more detail on the break-in because HELLO I don’t want to tell you how to successfully break into my car.

It took so long to break into my car that the officer was joking that my car would be the first that she couldn’t break into. If that had happened, it would have broken her perfect record! She was patient, persistent, and was positive the entire time. I am really grateful that the person who helped me would not give up. She clearly enjoyed being able to help people and was glad to have learned something new herself. We both cheered when we finally got into the car.

So, that’s my latest driving-related adventure. In a way, I’m glad I locked myself out of my car. Knowledge and a great encounter with a stranger made the experience worthwhile. I was told that a lot of villages/cities have ceased services to help those who have locked themselves out of their cars. If I couldn’t go through the police, I would have had to pay a towing company to do it. BOGUS.

Here’s to never locking myself out of my car ever again!
i-cant-drive

Oops.

Dear Diary,

It finally happened on Friday, February 3rd. I hit a car. The good news: no damage was done to either car. The bad news: The other car was parked… and I hit it while trying to park my own car in the same space. WTF?!

I haven’t been the perfect driver (obvs), but I hadn’t hit another car before that day. Things I have hit include:

  • garbage and recycle bins
  • a lawnmower
  • snow mounds
  • the garage
  • a fire extinguisher (on the wall of a parking garage)

Off-days are scary. I feel like such an idiot for backing into another car. I am so relieved that there wasn’t a scratch on either car and that the other driver wasn’t there. No one got hurt! Yay. Someone walking by did witness the event. She better keep her mouth shut. The person whose car I hit, *****, never has to know what happened on Friday, February 3rd.

Sincerely,
i-cant-drive

P.S. The jerkface who was driving 25 mph on Lake Shore Drive is a jerky jerkface who should have their license taken away.

Let It Snow

This post was originally titled, “Hibernation,” and was going to be a treatise on staying in during winter in order to avoid the cold and snow. I will admit it upfront: I do not like driving in the snow. It’s scary and can be stressful, and my little Honda Civic feels like a deathtrap. I dread having to drive anywhere: work, the grocery store, my condo. Still, we have only had two big snowfalls this winter, and if I wasn’t traumatized enough after witnessing a woman have to drive through a red light because she couldn’t stop, or after almost crashing into a railing over 294 because I was sliding, seeing cars end up in ditches, or having to–this is the worst–clean my car in the middle of a raging blizzard, I think I will be just fine. Here’s the thing: some really amazing things have happened to me during crazy snowstorms.

In 2000, my mom took me shopping on a day so snowy and crazy that the mall closed early, but not before I found the perfect little black dress for a party I was invited to by my crush.

In 1999, I went on a road trip with my sister and two cousins to Indianapolis for a Backstreet Boys concert (yeah, yeah, hilarious). We stayed there two nights. On the second night, the weather was insane, but we still drove to the drive through liquor store to get some beers. That was an awesome trip. It’s one of those things that I can’t believe we did, especially in those conditions. It makes for a great memory, though.

In 2009, my niece Juliana was born. It snowed that night. Having been born in August, I can maybe brag that it was sunny. I think snow makes for a cooler birth story.

In 1999, there was a snowstorm so bad that it forced everyone to stay in. My family and I hung out in the basement, played mahjong, and drank. Then, once the snow stopped and the alley and streets were clear enough so that we could go somewhere (and the piled up snow was taller than I was), we went shopping. We were carefree and simply enjoying each other’s company.

In elementary school, we used to play on the snow mounds made by the snowplows at the end of the parking lot during recess.

In 1994, I have this distinct memory of having walked in snow that was up to my crotch. I was wearing my school uniform: red plaid skirt, white tights, and boots. It was a wild thing for me to do, but a much more efficient way to get into the car versus walking around the snow.

For many years, the Zoo Lights Festival at Lincoln Park Zoo was something I loved to visit. Hanging out at the zoo, in the city, at night. Having hot cocoa and snuggling with someone you like or love. Bundled up in a great jacket, wrapped in a scarf, wearing gloves and earmuffs.

I was tickled to see people sledding and even skiing in a park by my parents’ house the day after the most recent snowfall. What a reward to enjoy the snow with your family and friends after a dreadful commute the day before.

I dread winter, I worry about driving in the snow, but I love winter in Chicago. I love that a little snow doesn’t stop us. I love how my snot freezes up when its below zero. I love sweaters and my puffy jackets and my wool coats. I love the feeling of turning off my car after driving through snowfall. I love snowmen and snowladies and snowpants.

So, let it snow, Chicago. Let it snow. Just try to snow on days or times when I don’t absolutely need to drive. And be kind to Lake Michigan and Lake Shore Drive.

My Parking Philosophy

Dear Diary,

Parking has never been my strong suit. I’m usually able to park anxiety-free with no obnoxious car placement. This morning was a different story.

Here’s my philosophy when it comes to parking in perpendicular spaces:

It’s like a field goal. It doesn’t matter where the football is, as long as it’s between the lines. Same goes for your car.

Yessssss.

Yes, I’m the jerk who leaves their car crooked or just a smidge away from the line. Sorry!

Happy Friday!
i-cant-drive

My Driving Shoes

Josh: Hey, James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road.
Cher: I am. You try driving in platforms.

from Clueless, 1995

Dear Diary,

So, okay. I’m a pretty decent driver these days. But there’s one thing that still eludes me… the ability to drive while wearing flip flops. Heels, flats–I can drive in any shoe that has a back to it. But flip flops? I drove in them one time and I thought I was going to die. Another time, I took the shoe off and drove barefoot.

Am I the only person who has to wear certain types of footwear in order to drive comfortably? It can get problematic in the summer… I think I once had five different pairs of shoes thrown around my car at some point.

I’m in no hurry to fix this issue. I just wanted to share.

i-cant-drive

Driving Hazards

The problem with driving with your windows down is that some dumbass bug might fly into the car and scare the crap out of you. End of story. It wasn’t that dramatic, but it would have been different if a bee instead of a ladybug attacked me.

Bad, Bad Driving Day

Dear Diary,

WTF? The tollway is totally messed up right now because of construction. I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m in an obstacle course when I’m driving on a highway to my sister’s house. Augh! Let’s see….my other highlight today was missing my freaking exit on the way home!!! Can you say shit?!

Earlier today (before the tollway fiasco), I drove downtown for the first time ever. It wasn’t bad! But it could’ve been bad. And someone honked at me for, like, no reason. I’m slowly learning to love Lake Shore Drive, which is helpful since The Condo is on LSD.

i-cant-drive

I Almost Got Hit by the Geek Squad Today

An f’in Geek Squad beetle nearly hit me on the drive home today. Luckily, the Geek driving the car had excellent reflexes and swerved just in time. My car told me later that his life flashed before his eyes and dammit, he needs a friggin car wash because it is just humiliating how dirty he is.

Cheap Thrill #2: Ending Up in the Fast Lane

There are few things more satisfying than knowing that you saved some travel time by picking the right lane to be in. Augh, the worst thing in the world is when you’re trying to be a strategic driver and end up seeing 20 cars drive past you in the next lane. Anyway, I picked the right lane today and I just know I saved myself a good fifteen minutes.

BTW – I absolutely cannot stand drivers who drive under the speed limit for no apparent reason. What the frak is up with that?

The Highway is My Beeyotch

Dear Diary,

I’m totally mental today because, for some reason, I went on the expressway. And then I took it again going home! It was…well, people who drive below the allowed speed limit when there’s no traffic should be banned. And people who don’t signal should get a ticket. Anyway, it ended up being a nice drive (stop lights be damned!) and my recent practicing of lane changing maneuvers came in handy. I wasn’t exactly “psycho weaving through lanes” but I wasn’t “old lady who shouldn’t drive on the expressway and stays in the right lane”. And my commute was shortened, but not significantly enough for me to swear by this route everyday.

Beware, perfect parallel parking technique: you’re next!!

Sincerely,
i-cant-drive