Tag Archives: Friendship

Personality and Shift

I worked a social event at work this week, which is pretty hilarious for a few reasons; the main one being that I am not exactly known for being a bubbly, welcoming hostess. I’ve always admired people who are always “on,” who put others at ease right away and at least appear to be genuinely friendly and considerate. It’s kind of the same way that I admire people who are able to speak intelligently or stay poised when they are faced with a challenge. I want to be like those people. I’m learning as I get older that it takes practice to become the person you want to be, in the same way that you have to do your homework if you want to be smarter and more knowledgeable about something.

But, back to the event. It’s hard for me to encourage people to mingle with others whom they don’t know, or to motivate them to play along with icebreakers. It’s hard because I myself am not a great mingler, and I kind of hate icebreakers. The icebreaker at this particular event was to choose an animal from a sheet of animal stickers and pick one that reflected your personality or that you identified with.

Most of the crowd played along. Some asked if there was more to it (there wasn’t). Some picked immediately (“I AM A LION.”); others put a lot of thought into the animal they chose. Some people rolled their eyes; I quietly told them just to pick one. Others thought it was a lot of fun. For the record, I picked the brown bear, mostly because the black bear just looked kind of creepy but also because the tiger seemed too Asian, I didn’t like the lion’s big mane, the frog was cute but not suitable, I didn’t like the zebra’s ears, I don’t look like a giraffe, a monkey seemed offensive, a fox might make it seem like I’m trying to imply that I’m sly or foxy and… anyway, I picked the brown bear. My rationale: I look cute and I like sweet things like honey, but I will probably attack you if you threaten me. People seemed to back away from me after I shared my rationale. I wonder why?

Using a very serious tone, I told one of the participants that he would be judged based on the animal he chose, so he needed to choose carefully. Thankfully, he was clever and had a sense of humor, so he laughed heartily and proceeded to mention this article from The Onion, published a week ago. Please go read it. It’ll take 3 minutes.

I’ll admit that I spend way too much time thinking about what people are thinking about me before I snap out of it and remember that everyone is too busy worrying about themselves. It’s not like I’m a Kardashian. I just need to make sure I’m cool with who I am, and I have to remember that I am a work in progress. I’m not Miss Congeniality, but I have still come a looooong way in terms of social skills. Just ask anyone who knew me when I was a little kid. Wow, I’m really making myself sound like a socially retarded person. I’m not. I don’t think I am… am I? Ahem. Anyway.

It’s a fact of life that things change, people change, our relationships and faith and dependencies change. It’s not always easy for people to accept that or even believe that. It’s kind of funny that I still find myself surprised by changes in my own life while at the same time being very uncomfortable when I observe how some people and things have NOT changed. Anyway, I’m not telling you anything earth-shattering. My point is that I feel a shift in my own life right now. My personal priorities are being shifted, my personal and professional relationships are evolving and re-shaping, my attention toward strangers and new acquaintances is heightened (no doubt a side effect of the social event), and my confidence is high in some areas, creeping up in others, and yet plummeting in some regards.

There is one thing about me that hasn’t changed and won’t ever change, though: I want people to like me and respect me. I care a lot about that. I would have to say that the feeling that someone dislikes me or disrespects me is the worst feeling ever. I don’t see any weakness in being amiable as long as I’m also genuine and truthful. It does require me to keep my mouth shut and avoid people sometimes, lest I tell them that they are dumb poo poo heads in a rage of honesty. Because, really, telling someone they are a poo poo head doesn’t do anyone any good. (What might do some good is telling someone that you think they are charming and smart and interesting and handsome… right? I need affirmation, people.)

In conclusion, here is my note to myself and to anyone who cares: Progress. Progress. Be smarter. Do your homework. Practice. And take the risk. Take it, before the opportunity is gone and then you will feel like a poo poo head dummy with regrets.

Hi.

Something has happened to me over the past six months. I have become this new version of myself. It’s not necessarily my self-awareness that has led me to this conclusion. People in my life have told me that I’m different. I’m more assertive, more confident. More friendly.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t have a bit of stick-up-my-ass syndrome. Even as a little girl, I was labeled a snob (suplada for you Filipino readers out there) because I wasn’t like so totally social. I don’t have that gene that gives me the ability to smile and click with someone right away. I’m not paranoid or untrusting. I just can’t fake it. Let’s use shoes or clothes as an example. You have to try things on, see how they feel, get comfortable in them, and experience things while wearing them in order for them to become meaningful. On the other hand (and let’s go along with this clothes metaphor), I can’t judge people based on what they wear. It’s not fair for me to be emotionally and facially neutral to people I don’t quite know, yet assume that people hate me because THEY are emotionally and facially neutral. Still, I think it’s only natural to want to be around people who smile at me, say hello, and generally acknowledge my presence in some way. It’s welcoming and warm, and it puts me at ease.

I have slowly turned into the smiley girl who says hello. I blame my co-worker. She smiles and says hi to everyone, and even jokes around with random people. In return, people are super friendly toward her. Yeah, it helps that she’s cute, but it’s so refreshing to hang out with her. Here is what I have observed, and it’s kind of a no-brainer: there’s no harm in being friendly. Being friendly has changed my overall disposition. I laugh a lot more, I’ve made new friends and acquaintances, and I’m just so damn happy all the time. The days when I’m not happy, those people to whom I usually say hi notice that I’m down, and they try to cheer me up.

However, there are some people who just seem oblivious to my friendliness. Most people automatically say hello back, in the same way that “good” or “fine” is the typical response to “how are you?” regardless of how you actually feel. Some people just smile or nod. But there’s that percentage of people who don’t respond at all. It’s a little discouraging, especially if I’m saying hello to someone whom I am really eager to get to know. A discouraging moment happened today, when I saw a girl from work outside of work, said hi to her while standing right next to her, and got no reaction whatsoever. Umm… AWKWARD! My feelings are still a little bruised. Here’s the thing, though. These seemingly oblivious people who may have a hearing or social awareness problem give me a glimpse of the person that I used to be. I had many moments where I would pass someone, hear them say hi, and wonder if they were talking to me. Should I really complain that someone broke my social butterfly heart when it’s entirely possible that I have broken someone else’s social butterfly heart without even knowing it? Nope.

So, here is my unsolicited advice: Greet people and pay attention. Whether you’re walking to the restroom or trying to figure out what to get for lunch, having some awareness of the people around you is a good thing (and not just because they might mug you if you’re too much in your own world to notice). A person who says hi to you may just be saying hi to say hi. Or, maybe they want to break the ice, demonstrate that they’re approachable, or maybe —-just maybe—- they’re desperate to make a connection with you. It’s kind of that whole thing about how our best friends start out as strangers… you never know what a simple exchange of hellos can bring into your life.

Let me tell you something else about my co-worker, the one who has taught me to be more friendly and social. I liked her before I ever officially met her and long before we started working on the same team. I liked her because she often had a genuine smile on her face, and because she would smile and say hi to me when we crossed paths. That was one of the things that factored into my decision to take the new job: knowing that she was there made me feel like I already had a friend. I now consider her to be one of my closest friends, someone I can trust, and most importantly, someone who wants me to be happy and makes me laugh everyday.

“It only takes a split second to smile and forget, yet to someone that needed it, it can last a lifetime. We should all smile more often.”
- Steve Maraboli

[colon] [close parens]

Dysmorphia

This post isn’t about my body. It’s about my mind, my skills, my potential. It’s also about trust and confidence.

I gave a presentation at work this week. I was anxious in the week leading up to it. I feel spastic when I present. Am I talking too fast? Am I pronouncing words correctly? Do I make sense? Am I making eye contact? Will I be able to answer the questions that are asked of me? Once I started the presentation, I felt good. I knew the material really well, so that helped. Was I as prepared as I hoped I would be? No. But I got through it. I got through the whole hour. People laughed. They engaged in discussion. They clapped and thanked me. I got some immediate feedback from a few team members. Later in the day, I met with my boss and he gave me good feedback as well.

What really did me in is when my boss’s boss talked to me about the presentation. If anyone would give me constructive criticism or be frank about skills that need improvement, it would be her. I was elated when I realized that she had only good things to say. She had heard through the grapevine that I was nervous, and she asked me if that was true. I told her it was. She said she couldn’t believe it.

I suppose I never worry that I’m too full of myself. Even back in my music competition days, I won a lot of 1st prize trophies… but in my head, there had never been that perfect performance. I can always do better. Always. Thus, despite all the great feedback I got on my presentation, I can’t help but think about what I will do differently so that my next presentation is better. On the other hand, without that feedback, I would still be thinking that the presentation was a disaster that nobody enjoyed.

I don’t like soliciting feedback. It scares me. I don’t want to hear anything bad. I don’t want to be patronized. I just want the truth. And the truth can be harsh. It really can. But the truth can be amazing, and hearing what other people have to say is one of the ways that we improve ourselves. It’s how we find out what we’re good at. It’s how we open our eyes to opportunities. I look to my trusted friends and to those I respect for an honest opinion. Here’s the thing: whenever there is anything less than positive to say, it is immediately followed with advice or questions to help me be better. It’s what we should all do for one another: tell people how wonderful they are and help them to become better people.

I will admit that I avoid anyone with negative energy or anyone who makes me feel badly about myself. I think it’s a courageous thing to do: sometimes it means ending relationships with people we love. But I depend on people to tell me who I am. After all, I’m nothing if I’m not around others, making an impact on their lives. I need them to ease my anxiety, affirm my attributes, point out my flaws, and even suggest paths and actions that I would never think of on my own.

People are my mirror. I am a mirror to other people. So, listen to what people have to say, and be thoughtful with what you say to others. It matters. Don’t hesitate to tell someone when they have done a good job. It may mean the world to them.

Swing Dancing and Kindred Spirits

As you may or may not already know, I was forced persuaded to take a swing dancing class when I visited uberfriend Janesse in Toronto over the summer. I was nervous about it for a handful of reasons: I’m an awful dancer, I was in a strange town, it was hot and humid, and I had no idea what to expect. Oh, and did I mention that I’m an awful dancer?

Janesse was gracious enough to say she would learn as a leader so that I wouldn’t be paired with a stranger. That blew up in our faces pretty quickly when it became clear that we would be rotating partners. How fun! Not only would I get to dance with a stranger, I would get to dance with ALL of the strangers!

The strangers came in many different varieties. Young, old, short, tall, different races and accents. They varied in dance experience. Some were very serious, others very carefree. One was a serious spaz—-I was selfishly grateful to dance with him. Anyway, what began as a simple intro to Swing Dancing turned into an interesting study of varying personalities in an instructive setting for an activity that requires partnership.

First, let’s talk about me: the girl who has a tendency to avoid situations like this, who worries about being a laughingstock when trying something new, who lets frustration get the best of her, who vows before she even begins something that she will not have a good time. Gosh, I guess (or hope) that that’s the old version of me. It must be, because I promised myself to try my best, connect with others in the class, laugh off my mistakes while working to correct them, and to have fun no matter what. I remained open, much like I did when I took that skiing class last New Years Eve: maybe taking this beginners class would unlock a natural talent that I hadn’t discovered yet. (I can officially report that I am neither a naturally gifted swing dancer nor skiier.)

Now, onto the guys in the class. Allow me to put them into three buckets:

  • Strictly (Serious) Ballroom!
  • Are You There, Dude? It’s Me, Melissa.
  • You Make Me Feel Like A Natural… Dancer

The Strictly (Serious) Ballroom! guys are exactly what you would expect. No smiles. Ready with a towel to wipe the sweat off their faces. No exchanging of pleasantries. This was clearly not their first dance class. But, it was my first dance class. So, imagine my disappointment when I missed a step—-with my second partner of the night (and we rotated about every two minutes)—-and was scolded for it. “You’re supposed to step on 4, not 5!” Geez, grandpa, excuse me for living! Another guy tried to physically force me into being in the correct position. What jackasses! It was a relief when I got to dance with…

…Are You There, Dude? It’s Me, Melissa. Most of the guys were polite. They would introduce themselves, ask how I was doing, wouldn’t give me a hard time if I messed up. They just went through the motions until our moment of dancing together was over. They were there and they were dancing. They were kind and forgiving. They just didn’t seem to be having any fun. They were probably dragged their by their girlfriends or whomever.

Finally, my favorite guys in the class: You Make Me Feel Like A Natural… Dancer! What separates this group of guys from the previous group is that they danced with a smile on their face, whether they were good at it or not. When one of us (usually me) would mess up, we would laugh and keep on dancing until we got back on track. They would change up the dance moves. They came up with creative ways to help me correct my mistakes. And they would thank me for dancing with them. How nice! The best thing about this group: they made eye contact. You guys! Eye contact! There were a lot of other people in the room, probably someone else that they had come to the class with. But when we were paired together, it was about ME. Sure, eye contact can be creepy, but in a setting like this, when everyone is (supposedly) a beginner who is there to have some fun, and your success depends on both your skill/attitude and that of your partner’s, eye contact is so important. Keep that in mind, fellas.

What’s my point here? Oh, yes. I was thinking about this dance class and how I got to get a glimpse into several strangers’ personalities simply by dancing with them for a short moment. Furthermore, I got some insight on myself. I don’t ever want to be around those strict guys ever again. I don’t particularly care about the guys who didn’t particularly care about getting to know me. But I would love to hang out with the guys with whom I found myself having a genuinely good time. Applied to everyday life, it makes sense. I want to be around people who want to be around me, who motivate me to be better, who make me smile. And I want to be that person for my friends. Even if the moments are few and far between, I know after making that connection with someone that I have found a kindred spirit.

I feel like the past couple of years have been an exercise in opening myself to people with whom I never thought I could be friends. I have done things that I never imagined I would do. It all comes down to a single idea: Seize the opportunity to become a smarter, more creative, and more interesting person. And, while I already knew this before the swing dancing class, this add-on to the idea was enforced: Surround yourself with people who want you to be smarter, more creative, and more interesting. Just don’t forget to be that person for your friends.

How To Be Your Own Best Friend

I’m not dishing out advice on this one. I’m asking for it. I do have close friends, but distance, other obligations, differences in our interests, and bad timing prevent us from doing much together.

I’m not used to doing things by myself, especially if it’s something that I’ve never done before. The unknown is not only scary and sometimes risky, it can lead to disappointment, embarrassment, a feeling that you have wasted your time. Of course, the unknown can also lead to new friendships, great memories, and major life accomplishments.

Things that I am perfectly okay with doing on my own include going to watch a movie, hanging out in a cafe (as long as I have a laptop or book), shopping (usually), even eating in a restaurant. Things that I hate doing by myself include going to a bar, attending a concert, taking a class, and exercising.

The problem is that the only person I can count on right now is myself. “I have no one to go with” is becoming a really lame excuse to not do stuff. Not being able to drive used to be an AWESOME excuse, but not one that I can hide behind anymore. I have to laugh every time people assume that I have this great life as a single woman living in the city. People, it’s only great if you leave the house and try new things every once in awhile. Of course, we all need people. It can get lonely and scary when you’re by yourself. I have to teach myself that living my life doesn’t mean that I need someone by my side all the time.

A friend of mine said that when none of her friends are around, she’s her own bestie. Being my own best friend is something I need to embrace. And I’m willing to bet that being my own best friend will lead me to making new friendships… hopefully not with people whom I will grow to hate and then have to cut out of my life. But that’s another post for another day.